Motherhood And What I've Learned About Expectations
On my first Mother’s Day, I made the mistake of thinking it was a day I would have off. And by off, I mean I would be able to jet back to my previous carefree Sunday ways of sleeping in, going for a run, reading a book, getting takeout and relaxing. My friends were all posting about weekend trips, days at the spa and family time in perfect outfits, I just thought that was what naturally happened on Mother’s Day!
My husband didn’t get the memo.
I got flowers. Flowers are amazing. I love receiving them and they will always rank as one of my favorite gifts…. but at the time, my basic needs were not met and I seriously needed to recharge. I was waking up several times a night, barely eating (because I was so stressed out!) and exercise was sporadic and only when I had enough energy at the end of the day. On this Mother’s Day, I would have done anything for an hour break.
To be fair, at the time, my husband was a medical resident deep into his final year of residency. Two residents had quit and he and his co-residents had to pick up the extra call time. He was lucky if he had a day off every month, let alone the time to plan or think about what would be a break for me! I didn’t fault him, but somewhere down deep, an expectation had been crushed.
The number one piece of advice people gave to me before I had my first baby was to “take time for myself”. After six months with a colicky newborn, I just wanted to punch anyone who said that in the face. With no family nearby, a full-time job, a husband who always worked, friends who had their hands full with their own newborns, a pediatrician who was not helpful (now I know what to look for in a pediatrician!) and not knowing the first step in procuring AND feeling comfortable with a sitter, I was exhausted physically and mentally. Motherhood is this wonderful balance of feeling exhausted all the time, yet feeling guilty when we need a break or enlist childcare.
So, that was the beginning of my expectations. As a mother, I should take time for myself (where is the HOW in this recommendation?). But on the other hand, as a mother, I should not need a break because motherhood is so fulfilling. When I turned to magazines or social media for answers, I was just told more of what I should be doing. As a mother, I should be an amazing cook, have a clean house, look perfect all the time AND still have the energy to be a good wife/friend/SO/employee/family member, etc...
What are expectations anyway? A simple definition is:
A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
A belief that someone will or should do something
Do you see that should?
I hate the word should. It implies obligation or someone else's opinion of what you need to do.
Here’s another should. We expect women to work as though they don’t have children and raise children as if they do not work.
I always dreamed of a good, fulfilling career. When people talk about their childhood dreams, that was one of mine. I never once thought that I couldn’t have both a family and a career and that it would be a struggle to balance the two.
My first child was not easy. Maybe it was because it was all new to me and I was a basketcase of nerves trying to juggle a rising career and a colicky baby who never slept. Maybe it was just parenting in general. Maybe it was just me having to let go of the reigns of control. Maybe it was all the pressure I felt to be a perfect mother. Whatever it was, that sweet child pushed me into some serious soul-searching where I ultimately took a few years off of work and really started to evaluate what I needed internally and externally to thrive.
Expectations don’t hit mothers alone. What we often forget is that fathers have their own set of expectations that they are struggling with. These are usually projections of their upbringing, whether that be right or wrong. Inevitably, they were probably raised to believe all women want children and that motherhood is a natural progression. That fathers need to step back a little and little women rule the home and that their job as a father is to provide. That they provide the physical and financial support, and women provide emotional support. For women who struggle with postpartum depression, breastfeeding or any other of the thousand things about new motherhood, they may as well think that their wives or significant others are not doing their part. I mean, this is supposed to be biological and natural, right? You are not supposed to struggle as a mother, it’s nature’s course!
I’ve learned a lot in my years of motherhood. Mostly, that you alone know yourself and your family best. Other people’s projections or expectations are none of your business. It is okay to be a subpar cook, a bit of a hot mess, or someone who loves their job + a mother.
Here are a few more:
Being tired does not mean you don’t like being a mother. PERIOD. You are a human being, who has emotions, who needs to sleep and drink water and nourish her body.
Be FLEXIBLE. I was stubborn as a new mom, mainly because I thought I was failing in some ways if I was not producing enough milk, if my baby was not sleeping, if my baby cried….I took all of these as personal failures. I wish I had taken the time to explore more and just be and throw some of those expectations out the window instead of trying to do everything and be everything to everyone.
Motherhood is not what you see on social media. Motherhood is tantrums, runny noses, stepping on legos, always getting snacks…..and a huge amount of hugs, love and laughter. We often think we are doing it wrong if we aren’t in coordinating outfits with perfect hair every day. Do your children feel loved? Then you are doing a great job, mama.
The reality of motherhood is it DOES look different for EVERYONE. We were all raised by completely different parents, in different environments with different experiences and we carry those forward in how we parent.
My wish for you is that you don’t feel the need to fit a certain mold. Tune into your child without comparing them or your experiences to others. Remember, not everyone reacts the same way to a medication. We all have different side effects and we all need different doses. Motherhood and life in general is not a one size fits all. It’s a journey. That you take. Your own path. You can look at expectations as guide posts that you can throw out the window if they don’t work for you, I certainly do!